Mum Stories - Cath Dews from Th3 Secret Life of Me
/As part of Isabella and Us. I will be bringing you a brand new blog series where each week a mum shares her story. I believe it is vitally important that we share our honest, vulnerable and incredible stories of our motherhood journey.
** Please be aware that you may find some of the stories potentially be upsetting or they may trigger something for you. If you do need further support please do seek advice from your GP or a mental health professional.
This week Cath Dews from Th3 Secret Life of Me shares her insight into how post natal depression affected her.
A little bit about Cath:
“ I'm a mum to 4 children. 2 bio and 2 step kids. Ages 1, 7, 13 and 16. Oh and a delinquent dog. And we just got a hamster because I didn't have enough things to keep alive. Alongside my job I run my Instagram page and write my blog which covers a range of topics from reviews, to humour, to mental health.”
Cath’s Story:
This time last year I did not want to live.
We were driving home this week after a fun day, laughing and joking and then it hit me. This time last year I didn't want to live. I can't even believe I am saying that now because I can hardly believe it. But it is the sad truth. Let me be clear here from the start. I was not actively suicidal. I had no thoughts or plans to harm myself. I just wished that I would cease to exist. It hurts me deep in my heart even now that I felt that way. But I did.
I have suffered with depression and anxiety on and off since my early 30s. I was hopeful that I wouldn't get post natal depression with my second son. After all I never had it with my first son and I was a single parent with a very colicky baby. Nope no depression there. Not a bit. To be honest I suspect the depression started during the pregnancy. It was a very difficult pregnancy and it was quite stressful. I think maybe if I had recognised it then I may have avoided the very dark place that I slowly sank into after the baby was born. I blamed the hormones.
When my son was born I found it extremely difficult. My older son was very demanding of attention from me and I felt guilty that I couldn't spend as much time with him. On the other hand I beat myself up that I wasn't spending enough time with the baby and felt I had issues bonding with him. (I actually don't think I did looking back but that's how I felt). I started to have ridiculous ideas that he didn't like me and that my partner was trying to steal him. Crazy right!?
By the time March arrived the baby was 3 months old. Things were not improving and I went to the GP for help. They restarted my old friend Citalopram 20mg and off I went expecting to feel better in about a month. Nope. Returned to the GP in April and had my dose increased. I asked to be referred to the perinatal mental health team and was told I would be.
July and August were a struggle but you keep on keeping on don't you. I mean I was on a higher dose surely I must be ok by now. Maybe I just couldn't cope with another child. Maybe it was too much? More irrational thoughts. I chased up the referral for perinatal mental health and was told they couldn't accept the referral as it didn't have a questionnaire.
There never was a breaking point as such. By September I just felt I was merely existing. Going through the motions of life devoid of any joy. Not really feeling anything at all. That was the worst. The nothingness. What was the point. I wished I could curl up in a ball and stay there but the love I had for my children made me fight. Even though I didn't feel like fighting, I did.
I went to see a different GP and she was amazing. She literally saved me. I told her everything. Things I hadn't said out loud to anyone else. She told me it was going to be ok and I believed her. She swapped my medication and phoned up the perinatal mental health service while I was sat there. I knew more work was ahead with a medication switch but I had some hope now.
I did have to return in October for a medication increase and I also was prescribed beta blockers for the anxiety. Mid October I was starting to feel more myself. I had the course of CBT due to start early November. When the CBT started my mood was pretty good by then but I was still struggling with the anxiety. I can't say enough positive things about the CBT and the therapist. It actually did change the way I think about things and although I still have anxiety it is far more manageable now.
It has been hard for me to write this. Maybe people who know me will read it who had no idea what was going on within the secret life of me. Mainly I thought that maybe someone who needed it would see it. Maybe someone else who feels dark and without hope. Maybe they will reach out to a trusted person or GP. Maybe they will look back after a year and not recognise the person back then and be so grateful that they kept on keeping on.
Love and peace xx
